Lycke Page 25

  ‘Okay, out with it now. I assume you aren’t here just to have coffee and socialise.’ It came out sounding harder than she had intended.

  ‘Please, Ellen, don’t start now. You sound so angry. I just want to talk with you; is that so strange? You know, it makes me really sad to think of how you believe I do things to hurt you.’ Ellen’s mother lowered her eyes and braced herself before continuing. ‘You’ve had it so tough. It has affected you, of course, and as your mother, I truly wish that your life had gone differently. You shouldn’t have had to lose a sister as a child, go through a divorce — feeling all that guilt at the same time.’ She took a sip of coffee, sneaking a glance over toward Agneta. ‘I don’t understand how your father and I could have failed so badly. But life doesn’t always turn out as you expected. And everyone makes mistakes. But we didn’t do it to hurt you. You have to understand that. Why can’t you —’

  ‘Be like Elsa?’

  ‘— Try to understand, I was going to say. Try to understand that we aren’t against you. It’s not that we are comparing you with Elsa. You’re yourself, Ellen.’

  ‘Don’t give me that. You compare us all the time, and I’m always the one who draws the short end of the stick. Do you know what it feels like to constantly be compared with someone who’s dead? It’s impossible to win.’

  ‘No, I don’t compare the two of you all the time. But I’ve noticed that you do, and it hurts me inside every time. But I assume it’s that way with twins, even when you’re apart from each other,’ she said, her eyes becoming shiny.

  Ellen looked away.

  ‘Did Philip call you, or what?’ She picked up a little shard of pearl sugar from the plate and put it in her mouth.

  ‘Ellen, I’m worried about you.’ Her mother took her hand. ‘Can’t you take off that hat?’

  Ellen shook her head. ‘It’s so very nice of you to come here to my workplace and suddenly want to talk but, I’m sorry, I can’t manage any accusations today,’ she said, getting up.

  Margareta fixed her eyes on her. ‘Sit down. I have never accused you of Elsa’s death. Never,’ she said firmly. ‘You were eight years old, Ellen. You were little kids, and we left you alone at home. It wasn’t your fault. It was your dad’s and mine.’

  She took Ellen’s hand. ‘Ellen, look at me. It wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me? It wasn’t your fault that Elsa disappeared.’

  ‘She died,’ Ellen corrected her.

  ‘The fact that she died was not your fault. Please, sit down!’

  Ellen did as she said.

  ‘We have never accused you. That’s in your own head. I was the one they pointed the finger at before they found my little Elsa.’

  Ellen felt a stab of resentment spear through her body.

  ‘But I was the one who wanted to go swimming … I knew she couldn’t swim that well.’ Ellen didn’t have the energy to care whether the people around them could hear her. ‘Do you know why I did that?’

  ‘Ellen, please lower your voice.’

  ‘Because it was the only thing — do you hear me? — the only thing I was better at than Elsa. Do you remember, you were so crushed that Elsa hadn’t earned any swimming badges, and you only focused on that being such a shame for Elsa. Not a single time did you say that I was capable of anything. Not a single time.’

  Margaret looked at her, dismayed.

  ‘Say it then! If I hadn’t …’ Ellen’s hands started to tingle. She tried to shake them. ‘It’s my fault. Say it. Say it then!’ Ellen shrieked, and the murmur of conversation in the dining room fell silent.

  ‘But, Ellen!’ her mother exclaimed. ‘This has clearly been too much for you. You shouldn’t have worked on this. That’s what I’ve been saying the whole time, but you don’t listen.’

  ‘What’s going on here?’ It was Agatha, and she was staring at them with surprise.

  Ellen didn’t answer.

  ‘I don’t want to disturb you, but you forgot your phone up in the office and it’s been ringing. I thought about just putting it on silent, but then I happened to see a picture come up.’ Agatha handed Ellen the phone. ‘I didn’t mean to snoop.’

  Ellen brought the phone closer.

  Someone had sent her the picture of Elsa. Again. And a text.

  If you don’t stop now, you’re going to die, just like your twin sister.

  ‘What is it? Ellen, your face has gone completely white.’ Margareta took the phone and, before Ellen had time to stop her, she looked at the picture.

  There was total silence.

  ‘What is this?’ her mother asked at last.

  Suddenly, tears were running down Ellen’s cheeks. She couldn’t hold them back.

  ‘You have to contact the police,’ Agatha said.

  ‘What is happening?’ Ellen’s mother sounded shaken.

  ‘We have to talk to Jimmy,’ Agatha said, turning toward Ellen.

  ‘No,’ Ellen said. ‘I’ll call the police.’ She got up from her chair, and felt a wave of dizziness. Her legs barely carried her as she headed for the bathrooms at the back of the restaurant.

  She entered Ove’s number into her phone, and, in a shaky voice, told him about the message.

  ‘Because there’s already a police report, you can find out who it is, can’t you?’ she asked him. ‘It can’t be the tennis coach — he doesn’t have access to a phone now, does he?’

  ‘Did you know that your boss has tried to withdraw the police report?’

  ‘What? Why did he do that?’

  ‘You’ll have to ask him about that. In any event, it’s not possible to withdraw it.’

  Ellen shook her head. She didn’t understand what was going on.

  ‘So can you help me, and find out who sent me this picture?’

  ‘It’s not that simple.’

  Ellen opened the door to one of the toilet cubicles and went in, slamming the door behind her.

  ‘Listen very carefully now.’ Suddenly, she could think clearly again. ‘I assume you’ve used a front man, but how dumb can you be? Using the ‘codfish’ Gmail address? What are you and Anette, and whoever this third party is, planning to do with the reward?’

  ELLEN

  6.45 P.M.

  Ellen drove around Södermalm, and had to search for a while before she found what she was looking for.

  There was no logic in what she was doing, but she was forced to follow through with it. She’d had enough.

  Ove couldn’t risk Ellen ruining anything, and so had had no other choice than to help her. Presumably, he knew as well as she did that the tennis coach wasn’t guilty of Lycke’s murder. She was disgusted by the whole system — how they simply focused on paedophiles. She wondered whether they truly had planned this every step of the way, or if, in the end, they had just seen an opening when the tennis coach turned out to be a pig.

  Ove hadn’t been able to find out who the number belonged to, as it was from an unregistered prepaid card, but he’d given Ellen an extract from the list of incoming and outgoing calls. After calling several of these numbers, Ellen had worked out who the prepaid card belonged to.

  Her name was Jeanette, and she lived at 34 Rosenlundsgatan, on the ground floor. She’d called Ellen several times before from the same number.

  Jeanette. Ellen didn’t know anyone by that name.

  She’d then searched for her on Google, but the name Jeanette Eriksson wasn’t all that uncommon.

  Ellen parked so that she had a good view of the building — the one farthest down, next to the garage door, with big windows facing out onto the street. Does she live there? Ellen wondered, and remained sitting in the car.

  It looked like an industrial space that had been renovated into a combined studio and apartment. High ceilings. The kitchen looked as big as a classroom, and next to it was a chalk-white studio with big black la
mps hanging from the ceiling. There were lights on all through the apartment, but no one was visible.

  She simply wanted to get a look at her — but what for, really? Was it so she could tell her to stop calling?

  ‘Go home, Ellen,’ she said out loud to herself.

  Just as she was turning the key in the ignition, she saw someone enter the kitchen. It took a few seconds before she realised who it was. The wrong person at the wrong place.

  Jimmy.

  What was he doing there? Had she gotten the wrong address? Had Ove mixed it up?

  Or was Jeanette his sister? She did live in Söder, didn’t she …?

  Jimmy opened the fridge and closed it again, without taking anything out. He looked restless. Turned on the tap. Opened a cabinet.

  Without thinking, Ellen picked up her phone and called him. She could hear the sound of it ringing.

  Through the window, she watched as Jimmy reached into a pocket of his jeans and took out his phone. He looked at it and then set it on the kitchen table without answering.

  A woman with long, blonde hair came into the kitchen. She held a child in her arms, balanced on her hip. The child looked about a year old, maybe. Dark-haired, pink pyjamas.

  It wasn’t until the blonde woman leaned in and gave Jimmy a kiss on the lips that the penny dropped.

  Ellen thumped the steering wheel, and then began honking the horn.

  Jimmy and who she assumed was Jeanette both looked out the window and caught sight of her.

  Ellen didn’t let up on the horn until Jimmy came out through the garage doors alongside the studio. He gestured for her to stop, and she did. She opened the car door on the passenger side.

  ‘Get in,’ she demanded. Her whole body was shaking with fury.

  ‘This isn’t a good idea,’ he said, leaning over. He looked worriedly back at Jeanette, who was standing inside the studio staring out at them.

  ‘I said, “Get in the car”. Or I’ll start honking again.’

  Finally, he sat down on the seat beside her, and barely had time to close the door before she roared out of there.

  ELLEN

  7.00 P.M.

  Ellen drove down Rosenlundsgatan up toward Magnus Ladulåsgatan, but didn’t know where she would go after that. If she’d been confused before, that was just a preview of what she felt now. Why didn’t Jimmy say something?

  She drove onto Ringvägen, and stopped at a red light. When the light turned green, she stayed there. The cars behind them started honking.

  ‘Drive up and stop at the Zinkensdamms sports ground.’ Jimmy sounded calm.

  She did as he said without thinking, and drove up to Krukmakargatan, made a U-turn, and drove into the empty parking lot.

  ‘So that’s the way it was?’ she said, turning off the engine. ‘I was a little side-project for you to amuse yourself with.’

  ‘No. It’s not what you think.’

  ‘No? How is it then? Maybe you’re married?’ Before he had time to answer, she continued. ‘Because she’s not your sister, anyway.’

  Jimmy sat as if frozen.

  ‘That message that you saw on my phone the other day with the picture of Elsa — I got another like it today, and the person who sent the message said they want me to die, just like my sister.’ She took out her phone. ‘Do you want to see?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘No? Is that because you know who sent the message?’

  Jimmy pulled his hands through his hair.

  ‘Your girlfriend? Or — what the hell do I know? — maybe it was you, and you borrowed her phone?’

  ‘What?’ Now he was looking at her. ‘Why would I send you a message like that? How can you think that?’

  ‘I don’t know. But apparently you’ve tried to withdraw the police report. You, who’ve been so worried about me after all the threats. Has that been part of your game, or what?’

  Jimmy stared straight ahead.

  ‘Hello?! Can you answer me!’ Her voice betrayed just how angry she was.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said at last, resting his head in his hands. ‘This is a fucking nightmare.’

  Ellen was gripping the steering wheel so hard that her knuckles had turned white.

  ‘I tried,’ he said slowly. ‘I really tried not to fall in love with you.’

  ‘What the hell are you talking about?!’ she screamed.

  ‘Please, calm down. Let me explain.’

  ‘I don’t understand.’ She heard the frustration in her voice.

  ‘Because I have a family. I have a daughter,’ he mumbled, staring out the window.

  His daughter. It hurt to hear him say it out loud.

  ‘But why didn’t you tell me you have a daughter? Or a girlfriend, for that matter?’ she asked desperately.

  Jimmy sighed heavily. ‘What should I have said? That I’m a pig who betrays my family? Does that sound good to you?’

  ‘No, but that’s the way it is. Instead of telling me, you’ve just been a coward about it instead. Blamed it on us coming from different worlds and shit.’

  ‘We do, though.’

  Silently, they watched the glow from the floodlights at the Zinkensdamms arena. ‘Are you in love with her?’ she asked after a while.

  ‘Am I in love with her?’ He shook his head. ‘What does that matter?’

  ‘Answer my question. Are you in love with her?’

  ‘Yes. I guess I like her.’

  Ellen took hold of the steering wheel again.

  ‘You know what? It doesn’t matter what I feel for Jeanette. We have Bianca together, and me wondering whether I’m in love with her mother or not doesn’t make it any easier. It is as it is.’

  Bianca.

  ‘Are you in love with her or not?’ She needed an answer.

  ‘No, I’m not in love with her. Unfortunately. Or what the hell should I say? It’s about us having a child together — and that’s a life-long project. That’s just how it is. I could never force her to have to grow up with divorced parents. Custody disputes and all that other shit. Just seeing her every other week. No.’ He shook his head. ‘Bianca needs both of us, and it’s not her fault I’m not in love with her mother. No, it’s clear as day that I’m not in love with her.’

  Ellen didn’t know how she should react to what he had just said.

  ‘How old is your daughter?’

  ‘Almost a year.’

  ‘One year.’ Ellen started counting backward. ‘Okay, so she was pregnant when you were playing games with me a year ago?’

  ‘Please, don’t say that. The last thing I did was play games with you.’

  ‘So what should I say?’

  Jimmy shrugged. ‘Yes, Jeanette was pregnant. But I didn’t know it then. We had recently broken up when I met you —’

  ‘A-ha, okay. You were taking a break.’

  ‘Stop, no, we weren’t. It was truly over. Or so I thought, but then suddenly Jeanette called me. The same day as our last night together, you know.’ He turned toward her. ‘Which, by the way, was the best time in my life. I have never — and I really mean it, Ellen — felt so close to anyone, but I realise it’s hard to understand now.’

  Ellen had felt the same. She wanted to say that out loud, but remained silent.

  ‘That was when she told me she was pregnant. There was nothing I could do about it. It was already too late for an abortion — and I’m happy about that now, even if it is what it is. Don’t misunderstand me, but I wouldn’t want to be without Bianca for anything in the world.’

  ‘But couldn’t you have just told me what was going on? I would have understood.’

  He cast a quick glance at her, and seemed surprised at the change in her voice.

  ‘Would you? How could I explain to you that I was in love with you but —’

  ‘How
does she know that I exist?’

  ‘She’s known about you from the day we met. Jeanette is — how shall I put it? — intense. She doesn’t give up. You might say she was kind of stalking me. Finally, I hardly dared see you, afraid of what she might do to both me and you.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Yeah. What I did know was that she frightened me. It’s like she’s possessed — that’s clear to me now. She’s figured out that I saw you again. She’s probably sensed it on me, and now you’ve been dragged into this shit, too. She’s sicker than I thought. And, yes, I know I’m a pig. I’ve been unfaithful. But, damn it —’ He slammed his elbow against the door. ‘I don’t know what’s happening with me. I can’t stop thinking about you.’ He turned toward her. ‘I’d hoped I’d gotten over you, but I hadn’t. I didn’t even believe I could feel as strongly about anyone as I feel about you.’

  ‘But —’ She didn’t know what she should say. ‘Why did you disappear? Don’t you understand how crushed I was?’ She was on the verge of tears.

  ‘Yes.’ He hesitated a moment, then caressed her hand, which was still firmly gripping the wheel. ‘I was completely destroyed, too, I can tell you, but what should I have done?’ He shook his head.

  They sat in silence.

  ‘Yes, well. What can I say?’ she said at last. ‘How could you be so stupid that you got her pregnant?’

  ‘Please, Ellen, that doesn’t help. Bianca —’

  ‘But what about you? You’re not happy.’ She couldn’t hide the weakness in her voice.

  ‘It’s the way it is,’ he said, shrugging.

  Just like that.

  ‘But isn’t it better for her to have happy parents? Even if they’re divorced, I mean.’ She was grasping for the smallest of straws.

  ‘No,’ he answered curtly. ‘It won’t work. You don’t understand. It’s just so incredibly complicated. Jeanette isn’t well — she’s threatened me, damn it, and sent some sick messages. And I can’t leave Bianca to stay with her every other week. Sorry, Ellen. Forgive me for having dragged you into this.’

  ‘Did you know about it? Is that why you’ve been going on about hate speech on the internet?’

  ‘I didn’t know it was her. I only realised it yesterday. I heard Bianca in the background when you got that call last night.’